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 A man suspected his wife was having an affair. He told his best friend about it, who offered a plan: "Place a spoon under your mattress and a bowl of milk under the bed springs. If your wife has a guest, the extra weight will cause the spoon to dip into the milk. You'll know by the milk on the spoon."

Two days later, they met up. "So, did it work?" the friend asked. "Yeah, I did everything you told me: the spoon, the bowl, the milk," the man replied. "So? Was there milk on the spoon?" "No," the man said, "the bowl was full of butter."

A husband suspected his wife was cheating. He came home one day and found a strange man's hat and coat in the hallway. He confronted his wife, who calmly replied, "Oh, those belong to the man who came to fix the leak under the sink." The husband seemed satisfied and went to watch TV. A few hours later, he asked his wife, "Did the man finish fixing the leak?" She replied, "Yes, dear." The husband then asked, "Did he say anything about when he's coming back for his hat and coat?"

A man was bragging to his friend about how smart he was. "My wife thinks I'm so clever," he said. "Yesterday, I came home and found a strange man hiding in our closet. I immediately knew something was up!" His friend asked, "What did you do?" The man replied, "I knew exactly what to do! I told my wife, 'If you ever let that man in our house again, I'm going to divorce you. She promised she wouldn't, and the man left. See? I'm so smart!" The friend just slowly shook his head.

A husband suspected his wife was having an affair, but he was a bit dense about it. One night, she came home at 3 a.m. and, realizing he might be awake, she decided to lie. As she walked in, the cuckoo clock in the hall started and 'cuckooed' three times. The wife, thinking fast, cuckooed another nine times to make it seem like midnight. She was very proud of her quick thinking.

The next morning, her husband asked what time she'd gotten in. "Midnight, dear!" she replied confidently. The husband didn't seem mad, but just sighed and said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When she asked why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

A man suspected his wife was having an affair, but he wasn't entirely sure. One evening, he came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband, confused, looked at the other man and said, "What are you doing in my bed?" The other man replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was your bed. Your wife told me it was ours."

A woman, annoyed her husband is late, leaves a "I've left you" note on the fridge and hides under the bed to see his reaction. The husband arrives, finds the note, writes something on it, and then calls someone. The wife hears him say things like "She's finally gone!" and express excitement to see the person he's calling and "do all the naughty things you like". He then leaves. The furious wife emerges from under the bed to read what he wrote on the note, which says, "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

A man suspected his wife of cheating, so he told his friend about it. "I don't want to spend money on a hidden camera," he said.

His friend suggested hiring a private investigator. The man agreed and paid for a week of surveillance. At the end of the week, the investigator gave him the report and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, your wife isn't cheating on you. The bad news is, she thinks you are!"

A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him so he comes home early from work one day. His wife meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. “Where is he?” he demands. “Where’s the guy who’s been sleeping with you?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear,” she answers, so the guy tears the house apart looking for him. Finally he’s on the second floor in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees a guy sitting in a Tesla. “That’s him,” the guy thinks. “That’s the guy who’s been sleeping with my wife!” He’s so furious, he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window, has a heart attack, and dies.

St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven. “Why are you here?” he asks and the guy answers, “I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early. I saw her boyfriend sitting in his Tesla out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, had a heart attack, and died.” St. Peter scowls and says, “You don’t belong here. Go to hell.” He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens, and the guy disappears.

A couple of minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. “What are you doing here?” St. Peter asks and the guy answers, “I don’t know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, hiding upon the instructions of a woman.” St. Peter wags his finger at him and says, “I heard about you. You go to hell too!” He pulls the big lever, the trap door opens, and the guy disappears.

A couple of minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. “What are you doing here?” St. Peter asks and the guy answers, “I don’t know! I was just sitting in my Tesla, minding my own business, when somebody threw a refrigerator at me!” 

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day, while they are making love she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says, "Oh no! What should we do?!" She says, "Hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!"

Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you're real, because he's stupid!"

Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her, "What's that?"

She answers, "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one."

He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room still posed, too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and opens the bedroom door.

The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says, "Here, I was next door at Mrs. Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."

Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my slave, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."

The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."

The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.

One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:

"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"

She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been gathering all you cheaters here for the punishment of drowning."

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

A man walks into a bar looking downcast. The bartender notices and asks, "Why the long face?"

The man sighs, "I just found out my wife’s been seeing someone else. I’m so upset, I’m planning to drink my sorrows away. Could I get some whiskey?"

The bartender frowns and says, "I’m sorry to hear that, but I can’t serve you if you’re trying to harm yourself."

The man asks, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, if I found out someone was making moves on my spouse, I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'd do something revengeful!" 

The man’s eyes light up, "You’re right! Thanks for the advice!" He quickly leaves the bar.

A couple of hours later, the man walks back into the bar with a satisfied grin.

The bartender, now a bit anxious, asks, "So, did you handle the situation?"

The man smiles and says, "Yeah, I made love to your wife. Now, how about that whiskey?"

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting, "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest." The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says, "That man was just exaggerating. Firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy".

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"You're so drunk you miscounted," said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right."

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage. He forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to back, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please un-tie her, please, let her go!"

The thief responds with, "No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration."

The man yet again pleads, "Please, just un-tie her, I'll not do anything!"

The burglar once again explains his reasoning, "I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims, "I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to un-tie her so desperately."

"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy, "My wife will be home in 15 minutes."

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife on the bed only in her underwear, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You heartless beast," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!"

A man goes home after being at his mistress' house. However, he realizes that he smells like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey, and heads home.

His wife met him at the door, smelled him, and told him, "You disrespectful pig! You can pour a gallon of women's perfume over yourself and I'll know that you've been drinking."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out.

The husband was very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman was dead on the porch.

A little boy goes to his mother and says, “Mummy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises, and when I look in your room, you’re bouncing up and down on him.”

His mother thinks quickly and says, “Oh well, I’m bouncing on Daddy’s tummy because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”

The little boy shakes his head, “But that won’t work, Mummy, it won’t.”

“Why not?” says his mother.

“Well,” he says, “because the lady next door comes by every afternoon and blows him back up again!”

A husband and wife are trying to save for their holidays. The husband suggests that he put a $20 note in a jar every time they have sex. 

Three months later, he counts the money and finds over $700. Puzzled, he says to his wife, “Where did all this money come from? We only had sex six times?”

“I know,” says his wife. “But not everyone is as stingy as you are.”

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18…..!

A woman was cheating on her husband, look how he discovered.

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack. They were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she missed him and such kind of stuff. It went like this with almost every girl that walked by Jack.

The husband was surprised. How you made all these girls love you so much? My wife hates me and I don't know what to do. Jack replied," it's easy, just pinch her in the ass, girls love that". The husband was very excited to try this trick on his wife. Once he arrived home, he sneaked silently into the bedroom and found his wife lying on her belly. He moved towards her quietly and pinched her in the ass with lots of horny emotions. The wife stretched on the bed even more and said," You came early today Jack ".

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

I told my girlfriend I think she's cheating on me.

She told me I sound just like her husband.

What 3 words do you NEVER want to hear from your spouse while you're having sex?

"Honey, I'm home!".

Husband: I have cheated once.

Wife: Me too.

Husband: 1st of April....!

Wife: 18th of June.